I Surrender

I am tired. I am tired of waking up each day and being hit in the face with negative circumstances, with negative attitudes, and negative words. I have tried to be positive, but positivity in itself is empty and weak. The world beats it down without effort.
I am tired of waking up each day in a body I hate. I hate it for all its flaws and weaknesses, its afflictions and pains, and my inability to master it. I have prayed for healing, and received it, but it seems incomplete sometimes. I want complete healing and nothing less. I know that God does not do things halfway.

I am tired of waking up to work a “job” that is costing us more than it is earning, driving a car into the ground that is worth less than we owe, with payments we cannot afford. I am tired of the ridiculous car needing repairs every other week, which keeps me from working the taxing, insufficient “job”, and keeps us in a financial hole that seems to be caving in on us.

I am tired of waking up each day feeling more and more worthless because I cannot provide for my family. I have never had a job that could even remotely become a career, even with Bachelors degree. I have submitted countless applications, and had countless interviews, all response has been outright rejection or complete silence, never hearing from the company again. I want to work for myself, but with our financial state, I cannot afford to stop working long enough to start something new.

I am tired of waking up each day chaos and disorder. We have no financial plan, no career plan, no family plan, and no real spiritual plan. I feel the full burden of these things and do not know what to do. Everything we do is reactionary, and I hate it. We act out of worry and desperation, which in our haste, only ever makes things worse. We sew into things out of the latest crises just to reap the next crisis. I want to set realistic, achievable goals, but I feel like I am going to end up doing it alone in constant conflict.

I am tired of fighting. All my efforts seem wasted. Nothing I do works to my benefit, and it is abundantly clear I cannot brute force life. I am weak, exhausted, and I wrongly snap at people I love. The pressure constantly increases, and eventually I explode. I know it’s wrong, even as the words leave my lips, but I don’t stop. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am weak. All I can do now is pray for mercy.

I surrender.

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